my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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