I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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