I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
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