Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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