I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
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Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
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Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
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