i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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