walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
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