tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
