why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Randomize
