12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
