his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
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