She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
