Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
