I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
