It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
