Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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