i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
