Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
