I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
This is my gift to your gina
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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