just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
