Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
