textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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