cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
