I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
