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Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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