went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
