Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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