Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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