I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
