it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
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