If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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