why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
