u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
The air was thick with penises
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
