is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
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