I met the friendliest cop last night
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
