This is not my ceiling
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
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Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
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We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
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