Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
