dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
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and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
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I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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