I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
