my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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