If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
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