now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Randomize
