Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
