fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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