So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
