I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
