come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
