Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
