Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
