i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
