If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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