he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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