I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
