When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
