i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
