Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
