Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
