he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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